Memos of the CNS Perk
by NothingExtra
Summary: The recorded bulletins for one ship that hosted the Star Fox team after the Aparoid invasion. (2nd SS Contest Submission).


_Author's Notes: All right, here it is. It's late, short, and probably disqualified by now, but it's done. I couldn't figure out a way to make it longer without making it look even more stupid, so my bad for not making the word count. That being said, I hope it at least makes y'all smile. That's what I aimed for._

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CORNERIAN ARMY ARCHIVES

CNS PERK

LAST ACCESSED: 12-14-55

ADMIN STATUS ACTIVE

LOGS FROM 11-01-55 ONWARDS LISTED

CLICK FOR OLDER MEMOS

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MEMO FOR 11-01-55 11:34 am

Entry by user Frisby

All right, first things first:

It's been a month since the Aparoids got nailed, and right now, we're understaffed. This is a problem because, even after kicking the ever-living daylights out of the bugs, we still have several million cubic kilometers of Lylat to patrol. To fix this, the Army's tagged almost every unit with mercenaries. The CNS Perk got lucky: out of all the outfits we could've been stuck with, we got the Star Fox team. Since they lost their mothership, they will dock and stay with us for the length of the patrol. This means a couple of things:

I want everyone to to be on their best behavior while Star Fox stays with us. Be sure to treat all of the visiting crew with the courtesy and professionalism expected of those who serve with the Cornerian Army.

They will stay in a temporary annex that the engineers have set up. We shouldn't expect to see them outside of it often, but if you do, treat them as superior officers.

Complaints can be sent directly to me, but not the Cornerian Army XO.

-Lt. Dick Frisby

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MEMO FOR 11-02-55 9:22 am

Entry by user Frisby

I've just found out that certain people didn't get the memo. In less than a day, we've gotten reports of unacceptable behavior towards the Star Fox team. Their captain, Fox McCloud, reports that members of our crew have made unwanted advances towards one of his team.

I will not go into detail, but what happened is thoroughly inappropriate and should never occur on a ship of the Cornerian Army, much less to a well-known and respected team of heroes like Star Fox. I shouldn't have to remind you that the eyes of this system (and many others) are watching us as we act as hosts for them. If behavior like this keeps getting the limelight, we cannot portray ourselves as the professional army that we are.

We've already dealt out appropriate measures and consequences for the marine in question, and hopefully this will be the end of this issue. I hope I don't need to give out more punishments on top of the ones already made, and that this most recent incident is the last one.

-Lt. Dick Frisby

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MEMO FOR 11-03-55 11:23 am

Entry by user Alex

Ok which one of you knuckle-dragging sad-sacks actually tried to make a move on Fox McCloud?

Right now Frisby's on my tail and chewing me out because one stupid marine, who will henceforth be referred to as 'Pvt. Bumblefuck Schmuckatelli', actually went up and slapped Fox's ass.

Out of all the people you morons decide to catcall, it's the literal HERO OF LYLAT. I know the rumor is that McCloud and that blue fox just broke up-but could you set, y'know, *realistic* expectations? Like, dating a used condom?

Don't do this again.

-Sgt. Alex Funk

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MEMO FOR 11-13-55 10:23 am

Entry by user Frisby

I am sorry to hear that there's been a second incident, with the same marine, towards the same target. It's pretty clear that some of you are just gluttons for punishment.

On this ship, we are supposed to hold ourselves to the highest standards of the Cornerian Army, especially considering that we are the hosts to the system's most revered and respected war heroes. Treating them like this is not only unacceptable, it is reprehensible and will be dealt with swiftly. To that end, we've made some changes for behavior on the ship:

-Do not enter the Star Fox team's annex unless you are ordered to by an officer.

-Do not try to seek out the Star Fox team if they happen to be outside the annex. I understand that a great number of people where have been excited to meet these people, but unfortunately, because of the behavior of some of our crew, we are going to restrict contact between the enlisted and them. Officers can still meet with them.

-If you see them outside of the annex, you will keep it short, and the first and last words out of your mouths will be 'sir' or 'ma'am'. If they ask you for something, you will direct them to the nearest officer, then leave them alone. Under no other circumstances are you to talk to any of the team.

-Helping, or acting on behalf of, people who helped to harass the Star Fox team will be punished as though they were directly involved in the harassment.

-This list may expand in the future, depending on the behavior of all parties involved.

We're going to have some anti-harassment seminars added to the schedule for everyone on the ship. Hopefully this will be enough of an incentive to make sure we don't have any more problems.

-Lt. Dick Frisby

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MEMO FOR 11-24-55 1:23 pm

Entry by user Alex

As it turns out, we've just got wind of incident number three.

You see, when I say 'set realistic expectations', that actually means 'find an abused wall-socket to take out your impulses on'. It does *not* mean 'go and see how fast the blue fox can turn a marine into a pretzel'.

I know that all of you are sex-starved morons but for the love of Lyla, when you're horny you don't finger a goddamned pencil sharpener. That vixen is bad news.

This can't happen again. If it does, I'll kick your ass.

-Sgt. Alex Funk

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MEMO FOR 11-25-55 10:32 am

Entry by user Frisby

It's starting to look like some people just aren't paying attention. This is the third incident in almost a month, and now we have someone in the med-bay. Granted, it seems like punishment enough to have your skeleton given extra angles, but we need to administer our own discipline. Private Louise McCallahan is going to be sent home after we hit the next base.

As for the rest of you, we're adding another round of seminars and on top of that, everyone else is getting volunteered to Venom outpost the moment this patrol is over.

I hope you're all happy.

-Lt. Dick Frisby

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MEMO FOR 12-06-55 3:32 pm

Entry by user Alex

I just talked with our friend, Mr. McCloud.

You are all very goddamned lucky.

Mr. McCloud has made it clear that he does not think that the behavior of one idiot and a few accomplices are worth pressing charges over. He *has* made it clear that if it happens again, he will not be afraid to file a report with Command.

I don't know about the rest of you morons, but if a literal war hero comes onto your ship and makes a threat, you'd bet your asses that it isn't a threat made lightly.

He knows Generals Cork, Higgins, *and* Pepper. If he wanted us to get our asses kicked, he can make it happen. Our patrol only needs to make one more week without an incident, then they leave, and you can be as stupid as you damn well want.

So please, for the love of Lyla:

Don't.

Do.

Dumb.

Shit.

-Sgt. Alex Funk

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MEMO FOR 12-13-55 9:30 am

Entry by user Frisby

Now that our patrol is just about to end, Mr. McCloud is going to make a single guest memo.

I expect nothing less than perfect professionalism and courtesy when all of you talk to him, especially in light of recent issues. You all still have to redeem yourselves for the events of this trip, and both Krystal and McCloud have been more than generous with their forgiveness.

That is all.

-Lt. Dick Frisby

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MEMO FOR 12-13-55 2:11 pm

Guest entry by user McCloud

I just want to make it clear that in spite of what happened, I am very grateful that the Cornerian Army was able to accommodate and work with my team. What happened was thoroughly unacceptable, and I am glad that appropriate measures were taken to fix the problem. Hopefully we can all work together to make Lylat a safer place.

Thank you.

-Captain Fox McCloud

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MEMO FOR 12-14-55 4:12 am

Entry by user Alex

WHO DREW DICKS ON HIS ARWING

-Sgt. Alex Funk


End file.
